darling my heart (draft)

just north of the harbour hid a little beach town where the green and blue sea sat still under the white apartments in the spring. you could follow the path south from the main beach towards a rocky cove which held a bay of shallow blue water and a rockpool with yellow stones that lined the edge of the pool.

in the spring you could drink glasses of Nebbiolo in the restaurant with the candle on the bar and the cauliflower in the Sicilian pesto. feeling at peace next to the girl with the beautiful green eyes and brown hair, her fingers streaming with gold rings and her hands carrying warmth under the pink sky with the moon setting across the beach.

we would laugh into the night making stories up about other couples at the bar, playing cards on the square table under the television until it was late and she turned over in the bed to sleep with my hands against her back and her breath still. our bodies together as one in the morning as the day broke and the sun was sheltered from our little room on the second floor.

her white pyjamas against her tanned skin under the sheets. feeling fresh in the morning with the sun high and the pool busy, feeling clean in the spring with the beaches alive and the people passing by along the walkway. the sea still with the gentle breeze from the north, beautiful people everywhere.

the way her lips felt and her tongue and her body on top of mine, the way she squeezed me and we laughed and she pushed me away and then pulled me back in. but this wasn't to be, as darling my heart isn’t healed, and maybe yours wasn't either ?

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NOTES from winter and spring

almost relief in seeing it

how she still lifted her hair above her neck, again

and she knew i was watching

less hatred and more of a sinking heart

i can’t keep writing in so much sorrow

"was she really beautiful?"

"to you she was because you built her"

and i, will be fine, with myself

and you, become, a stranger

there were some things that time cannot mend

"you want to remember, but what if remembering destroys your happiness?"

"then it wasn't real."

i really need you.